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REALLY WIERD NEWBIE [Nov. 11th, 2007|11:36 pm]
GLBT Aspies and other non-socialites
HI Everyone .

I am trying to make new online friends who have some perception of Autistic glitches and being a girl '' child '' , 6 going on 60 , but supposedly an XY ''man ''.

The child thing is real to me - like '' i '' am too high / wide / heavy / stretchy out , and my old teddy looks right , but cuddles too small ... i also seem stuck in the 50s - like the file is full and I can't delete and add new '' more appropriate '' I watch big girls growing up , or grown up - waiting for my turn , as you can imagine , puberty at a boys only school was an unrelenting nightmare which I could not wake up from ... but that nightmare continues ...

I don't really have any sense of '' me '' - I watch '' my hand '' with dee'tachment , like I am never connected , participating .

I '' appear '' to function Ok , and , until recently , I thought that everyone was as lost as me , but managed better !

It's all automatic stuff though , like tutored / tortured into me , 'till it becomes a habit to copy '' normal

As a kid , 'till 10 [ 1957 ] , all I knew was '' my kind of people / like me '' later , I learned this to be '' female '' , but I kinda lokked for other girls being boys [ seemed logical , as I was designated '' boy '' ] so my mentors and playmates were tomboys / butches and would - be - '' guys ''

I can sense HER '' Frequency '' - so I can predict safe or not , but anything '' not her '' is noise / chaos / scary - from inside and amplified by - all '' men '' from outside . It's like men assume that or expect me to have an experience like them , when , all I sense from inside is '' me missing '' ... either '' I '' am seriously crazzeee , or my head is really programmed for '' female ''. THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA IF YOU ARE PHYSICALLY MALE !!!
I am terrified of men - the concerned guys try to draw me into his world / experience and "" I '' become more and more invisible , lees and less '' me '' OK , it's all in my head , but what else is real ?

My ASdee logic insists that this makes sense , in that if '' i '' am tuned to HER , then I would not know what '' NOT HER '' would be . Like , '' Bus '' is red school bus , so green bus can't be '' bus '' OOPS !!! This brutal '' is / isn't '' is for everything , so why not for HER ?

It's ever dreamstate / out of phase - all my life , I have tried desperately to focus , make it all real , as I see real people do , but only now do i realise that it's not going to work , ever ...

10 years ago , I had a breakdown and all of this kinda broke through - i guess the pressure of pretending got too much - but now I am aware of it , it's got less and less bearable ...

I hope that this isn't too much


(Deleted comment)
From: deeslexia
2007-11-13 11:32 pm (UTC)

Hi sin-nombre

Wow !

You do get about a lot .

I would love to talk more about the wrong puberty thing - most don't seem to experience that way .
I have to say that i am terrified of men and anything which emphasises what is missing - but relate perfectly to XX would be boys . i find that mtfs are all about performing '' woman '' , but my XX friends tend not to do all the girly stuff - why should I be expected to ?

Remember one thing - you will overemphasise your '' boy '' nature , but boys can be girly too - I know that if you let slip the boy thing , that you become invisible as the real you , and peole think that you are not serious , but try to hang on to that other part of you and reclaim per when it's safe .

Who were/ are your mentors - the people that you gradute towards , are safe with ? Mine were all other tomboys / maculine / virilised women - 50s butches in tweeds with a female companion OOPS !! I am talking infant school here , as my Mum reminded me . It's like I gravitated to other girls being boys - i just did not know what '' boy '' implied . Rememder that you as kid did not have grown up ideas on boy / girl / me - so you may have been a boy in your head , but somehow made to be a girl ... try to work it out sideways !!!

And it's not stupid at all - I look around me at ''other'' tomboys and wonder how wonderfull it must be to be '' complete / integrated - or , in the case of ASdee , '' connected / real ''

I don't kinda '' see '' guys ... it's like only HER frequency I can hear - it sounds really crazee , but my many girls, defensive tomboys / butches AND Ftms say that i am the only person who hears her and understands . Others sense harmony = me , and counter harmony = opposite sex ...

All I sense is harmony = her = me ... and noise , me missing , chaos ... and a lot of that is from inside ... yuk !!

So , something is real about '' listening '' to XX boys and girls too ... i tend to find an Auntie dee role with the '' bois ''

I would really love to hear from you - my e-mail is '' deeslexia@yahoo.co.uk. '' it's kinda cold outside on my own ...

If you want to check me out I can give you e-bay uk ID etc ...


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