|Hi, I just joined...
||[Aug. 6th, 2006|07:00 pm]
GLBT Aspies and other non-socialites
I have a bit of a problem, and I'm hoping maybe that someone here will be able to help me. I also hope this isn't off-topic, but we'll see what happens, I guess...
I think I might have some sort of anxiety disorder.
I guess it started a year ago. I can remember being at work (I worked in customer service at the time), and I was dealing with a rude person on the phone, and I just started to feel very sick. I went into the bathroom and sat there for twenty minutes until it passed...I basically felt very nauseated, and very scared at the same time. I remember thinking that I just COULDN'T throw up. I'm actually kind of afraid to do it..not because of the actual act, but the feeling you get right before it..that scared, panicky feeling. I hate that more than anything in the world. So anyway, that was the first time it happened...
It happened again a month later, at my 23rd birthday party. I was too afraid to eat, because I thought I might throw up. It became so bad that when we sat down to dinner, I just couldn't do it. I rushed to the bathroom, and my heart was beating really fast, and I felt like I was going to pass out. And then it went away, and I was able to have fun (sort of).
It's happened about five times over the past year...I get really worried that if I leave the house, I'll get sick and it'll be really embarrassing. Or, I'll get sick and maybe there won't be anyone willing to help me, and the fear can be overpowering sometimes. For example...last Monday I started a new job, and I had a panic attack on the way down there on the train. It's just horrible!
The thing is, I KNOW these feelings are illogical, and I know that, probably, nothing bad is going to happen to me, but still it affects my life. I don't go out at all anymore, except to go to work, and that's only because I have to. I don't hang out with friends. I don't date. And that's the weird part...I'm a 23 year old gay male, I know it's a generalization, but people expect me to be happy-go-lucky, partying all the time, and having sex with guys and dating them, and being 23. I WANT to do those things, but I worry that guys aren't going to like me, because I'm slightly overweight, and I don't look like the guys in porn do...and it all just swirls around in my head and makes me even more agoraphobic, and then I just don't leave my room. Plus...I guess I just don't really want anyone touching me. I feel like maybe they might hurt me emotionally if they touch me physically. I know that probably doesn't make a lot of sense (and no, I was never sexually abused as a child). I just know this can't be normal.
I'm definitely NOT suicidal or anything like that...I would never hurt myself in any way. I just can't seem to get myself out of this "mental rut" that I'm stuck in. I want things to get better, but I just don't know how to MAKE them get better. And I know I could go to a psychiatrist and they'd give me Paxil and send me on my way...but I barely like to take aspirin, much less something that's gonna mess with my brain chemistry.
I guess what I want to know is....does anyone ever beat social anxiety disorder or panic disorder without drugs? IS there a way to do that? And more importantly...is there anyone who DOES take Paxil (or some other drug like it) and has had any weird side-effects? How has it helped you?
And (yes there's more)....is there anything really wrong with being anxious about meeting guys when you know you don't look like a porn star? Has anyone else gone through this?
Any comments or help at all would be greatly appreciated.